Friday 3rd May
I woke up twice last night, not sure of the times as I managed to get straight back off to sleep. It was still dark though, so I knew it wasn’t time to get up. I slept in because my husband isn’t working and he left me to sleep, it wasn’t too late when I woke – about 8:30 I think. I find the later I get up the worse my mood is, unless I do a little exercise or something to get my blood going.
I feel bad this morning. Very bad. It has taken me 40 minutes to find the energy and will to get up. I feel dissociated and my mind feels sluggish but anxious at the same time. I forced myself to get out of bed, I made myself wash my face and brush my teeth and put a fresh bun in. I then came back to the bedroom to get dressed but I’ve been sat on the bed for the last 30 minutes or so. I have that awful feeling in my tummy and I feel tense. I really just want to crawl back into bed today. I don’t have the mental energy to deal with having a mental illness today. I’d really love to have a good, happy day. It feels unfair that to get justice and closure I have to trigger myself to this extent, but I know that it will be good in the long run. I keep reminding myself of that.
My Husbster has been stressing this morning because my son’s swimming shorts have vanished. When I feel like this any kind of negativity makes me feel so much worse and more anxious. I know it’s not his fault. We spoke about it and I tried to explain how it makes me feel when I’m not well. I’ve got a doctors appointment this morning, I forgot that I’d booked it to be honest. I booked it as soon as I woke up. Hopefully they’ll be able to help me with how I’m feeling right now.
We’ve come to visit our friends this morning. I didn’t like the idea of leaving the house to be honest but I know that we’ll enjoy their company and it will do me good in the long run. It’s been nice as ever, we have drunk coffee, lounged about (no children) and just chatted. We’ll leave here and go straight to the doctors.
I’ve been to the doctors and I actually feel quite hopeful. She was lovely and really took the time to talk to me, check in and see how I’m feeling. We’re going to switch antidepressants from Fluoxetine 20mg to Sertraline 50mg. I know the first two weeks can be hellish but Fluox obviously isn’t working for me like it used to. I think that maybe I’ll do a post that talks about the timeline of my side effects. It could bring comfort to anyone else that’s making a switch or starting an SSRI. It’s hard not knowing what to expect and having to put your life on hold for a fortnight. My doctor said that because these drugs are so similar there’s no real reason to do a long wean. Therefore today is my last day of Fluoxetine and I’ll start taking Sertraline on Tuesday. She also gave me 10x Diazepam 5mg tablets to use if i need them, I’ll only use them in emergencies.
The doctor was happy that i had therapy etc and said she’ll call me on a Thursday sometime, I can’t remember what date. I gave her my work number incase I’m working. I’m starting on the lowest dose so hopefully the changeover won’t be too bad. Maybe it won’t be like starting a brand new drug for the first time. Although does it mean I’ll withdraw on one and have side effects from the other? Or that there won’t really be withdrawal or start up symptoms? It sounds as though it’ll either be really easy or really bad. We shall see.
I’m working tonight but I feel okay about it because I’m on with my best friend. I’m only really on call too so I should have an easy-ish night. I’m going to leave my ‘week in the life of’ here, so this will be the final entry on this little project.
I’m at work and me and my friend are talking to a ‘panic buddy’ of ours, about our visions for On Mental Health and what we would like to do with it. We’re doing some research and we’re putting a forum together. I’m not going to bother purchasing a domain yet in case it doesn’t take off. I believe with enough hard work then we will get going and hopefully we will have a real chance to make a difference to peoples’ lives. I have plenty of life experience with mental illness, but when I study for my Psychology degree I’ll be able to bring another understanding to the team. It’s really nice to have something to look forward to.
And that’s all she wrote. I hope that this little insight into what it’s like to live with borderline personality disorder was useful. I know that everyone is different, and deals with their illnesses differently.
I hope that anyone out there, if you’re feeling anxious, paranoid, depressed, irrational, impulsive, anything; if you’re struggling you are not alone. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, you are brave and strong and so much more than your mental illness.
Emma. X
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