Tag Archives: BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal

A week in the life of BPD – Friday

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Friday 3rd May

I woke up twice last night, not sure of the times as I managed to get straight back off to sleep. It was still dark though, so I knew it wasn’t time to get up. I slept in because my husband isn’t working and he left me to sleep, it wasn’t too late when I woke – about 8:30 I think. I find the later I get up the worse my mood is, unless I do a little exercise or something to get my blood going.

I feel bad this morning. Very bad. It has taken me 40 minutes to find the energy and will to get up. I feel dissociated and my mind feels sluggish but anxious at the same time. I forced myself to get out of bed, I made myself wash my face and brush my teeth and put a fresh bun in. I then came back to the bedroom to get dressed but I’ve been sat on the bed for the last 30 minutes or so. I have that awful feeling in my tummy and I feel tense. I really just want to crawl back into bed today. I don’t have the mental energy to deal with having a mental illness today. I’d really love to have a good, happy day. It feels unfair that to get justice and closure I have to trigger myself to this extent, but I know that it will be good in the long run. I keep reminding myself of that.

My Husbster has been stressing this morning because my son’s swimming shorts have vanished. When I feel like this any kind of negativity makes me feel so much worse and more anxious. I know it’s not his fault. We spoke about it and I tried to explain how it makes me feel when I’m not well. I’ve got a doctors appointment this morning, I forgot that I’d booked it to be honest. I booked it as soon as I woke up. Hopefully they’ll be able to help me with how I’m feeling right now.

We’ve come to visit our friends this morning. I didn’t like the idea of leaving the house to be honest but I know that we’ll enjoy their company and it will do me good in the long run. It’s been nice as ever, we have drunk coffee, lounged about (no children) and just chatted. We’ll leave here and go straight to the doctors.

I’ve been to the doctors and I actually feel quite hopeful. She was lovely and really took the time to talk to me, check in and see how I’m feeling. We’re going to switch antidepressants from Fluoxetine 20mg to Sertraline 50mg. I know the first two weeks can be hellish but Fluox obviously isn’t working for me like it used to. I think that maybe I’ll do a post that talks about the timeline of my side effects. It could bring comfort to anyone else that’s making a switch or starting an SSRI. It’s hard not knowing what to expect and having to put your life on hold for a fortnight. My doctor said that because these drugs are so similar there’s no real reason to do a long wean. Therefore today is my last day of Fluoxetine and I’ll start taking Sertraline on Tuesday. She also gave me 10x Diazepam 5mg tablets to use if i need them, I’ll only use them in emergencies.

The doctor was happy that i had therapy etc and said she’ll call me on a Thursday sometime, I can’t remember what date. I gave her my work number incase I’m working. I’m starting on the lowest dose so hopefully the changeover won’t be too bad. Maybe it won’t be like starting a brand new drug for the first time. Although does it mean I’ll withdraw on one and have side effects from the other? Or that there won’t really be withdrawal or start up symptoms? It sounds as though it’ll either be really easy or really bad. We shall see.

I’m working tonight but I feel okay about it because I’m on with my best friend. I’m only really on call too so I should have an easy-ish night. I’m going to leave my ‘week in the life of’ here, so this will be the final entry on this little project.

I’m at work and me and my friend are talking to a ‘panic buddy’ of ours, about our visions for On Mental Health and what we would like to do with it. We’re doing some research and we’re putting a forum together. I’m not going to bother purchasing a domain yet in case it doesn’t take off. I believe with enough hard work then we will get going and hopefully we will have a real chance to make a difference to peoples’ lives. I have plenty of life experience with mental illness, but when I study for my Psychology degree I’ll be able to bring another understanding to the team. It’s really nice to have something to look forward to.

And that’s all she wrote. I hope that this little insight into what it’s like to live with borderline personality disorder was useful. I know that everyone is different, and deals with their illnesses differently.

I hope that anyone out there, if you’re feeling anxious, paranoid, depressed, irrational, impulsive, anything; if you’re struggling you are not alone. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, you are brave and strong and so much more than your mental illness.

Emma. X

Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal

A day in the life of BPD – Thursday

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Thursday 2nd May 2019

It was hard to get out of bed again today. I woke at 3, 5 and then finally at 7:30. I forgot to bring my lunch to work with me so I’ll have to wait until I get home to eat. I remembered to take my prozac today though. That’s two days in a row I have remembered it, not sure how many days I forgot it for before but it was at least 3.

I’m finding it hard to get on with work today. I got triggered over a nice message from a family member relating to a fallout I had with another family member. It wasn’t even a bad message but I can’t deal with any high emotions right now, they send me into a spiral. I’m working on boundaries at the minute in therapy. With what happened to me growing up, I thought everything was my fault. I still do it really. If I go for a nap and my husband gets stressed with the kids then I feel like it’s my fault. If the kids fall over and get hurt, it’s my fault, I should have warned them to walk slower or look where they were going. If someone is angry or upset for any reason, it’s my fault. I even once believed I was responsible for someone dying somehow because we had a fall out a few days before. So now I’m working on being able to say “You know what, this isn’t okay”. I don’t want to feel guilty for getting upset any more.

I’ve tried to push through the crazy this morning and get on with things. I called the doctors from work to request an appointment to talk about my anxiety etc, but the receptionist said she would put my request for Diazepam through as an urgent prescription and I should have it by 5pm. I’m just trying to focus on a few hours at a time. I feel dissociated and have a knot in my stomach, I want to go home but we need the money. I can finish at 1pm today though so I will have time to relax before school pick up.

I’ve tried to work a bit on the FB page et. during my break to keep my mind busy. I made another weak coffee. As soon as I came off the laptop and back to the real world, the stress hit me and that awful feeling is back. Looking forwards to finishing work in 2 hours.

I managed to get through work. As soon as I stop being busy I am in pain and have that knotty, sinking feeling. I went to the shop after work to get some lunch. I wouldn’t dare order my own sandwich even though I know the ladies that work on the deli counter, my husband ordered it for me. I’m sat on the sofa now and I feel like I never want to move, or I want to just suddenly stop existing. My hands and feet are numb and I’m intermittently dizzy. The chemist still don’t have the diazepam but the doctors said before 5 so I’m trying to hang in until then. I don’t feel like I can do the school run. I just want to crawl into bed. Lots of bad memories today and worried I’ll bump into my ex stepdad in Honley, I know it’s irrational but it’s not impossible.

I got the Diazepam at 5. I had managed to go to the shop after the school run and collect my youngest from day care, so when it came 5 I couldn’t manage to get outside and my husband went for me and dropped them off. Thankfully he only works 5 mins away.

Diazepam were only 2mg not 5mg so I took 2 and went to my friends to wait for my husband to finish work at 7. When he had finished, we went home and I put girls to bed and then played Phoenix Wright on the Xbox one with my eldest baby for a bit. Chris an I had a takeaway and watched first dates on All4. We had a laugh actually, I felt quite content this evening. We came up to bed and hugged for ages. It felt really nice. Husbando is snoring his little beard off right now but I’m ending the day on a happy note today. Thursday survived.

Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal

A week in the life of BPD – Tuesday

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Tuesday 30th April 2019

I’m feeling very overwhelmed this morning. I got out of bed and felt okay, not too low, not too groggy. I got the children dressed and fed, then took them to school. We were running late, this seems to happen a lot! I don’t know why we were running late either. I just looked at the clock and realised it was time to go and nobody had their shoes etc on. Anyway, they got to school, that’s the main thing. My father in law actually collected my youngest at 8:30 so I’m now child-free!! I’m going to go to the shop to see the husband and grab a coffee.

I’m just stood outside of my therapists place. I’m dissociating, I can feel it, like a big episode is going to come. I was stroking a gorgeous big grey cat and I was worried that if I did something wrong to it, like stroked it in the wrong place or something it would run into the road and get run over. I’m getting intrusive thoughts that are ridiculous. Is my therapist dead in there? Is she going to kill me? I always have a coffee.. Will she put something in it? Does she even like me? Ugh.

I’ve been to therapy and was pretty out of it for most of the session. I couldn’t even really say what we spoke about, I’ve already forgotten. The specifics anyway. We did do a short meditation, a ‘pause’ so that I can check in with my body and relax, learn how to recognise how I’m feeling. My therapist said that she would email me an audio recording later so that I can practice this at home.

My head does feel clearer now that I’m outside, probably the meditation. I need to work on being kinder to myself, not beating myself up and not aiming for perfection. I want to do everything perfectly: parenting, marriage, housework, work, exercise and diet, everything. I set myself up to fall because I can never meet my impossible expectations. I guess I do well really, considering everything that is going on. I think anyone would find it hard trying to deal with trauma, work and raise three children. It’s not like I have my parents hanging around to help with anything either. My in laws are amazing though.

I’m going to try and remember that thoughts aren’t real. They are just thoughts. I’m going to try incorporate a pause meditation into my day and put less pressure on myself for habit changes.

I’m at my friends house now, I went to the shop and grabbed myself a sandwich for lunch. I’m still anxious but feel like a weight has been lifted in a way. She’s one of those friends that I’ve just known for so long that I don’t need to try and act normal or pretend that I’m okay with, she doesn’t ask too many questions but will listen if I need to talk. It’s just nice and relaxed and easy. My mother in law is keeping the little one until 1pm so I have some time to try unwind.

I’ve come home now, my little one should be coming home soon. I’m just watching a Netflix series called ‘The Let Down’, it’s really quite good actually, it’s about a new mum – very relatable! I’m looking out of the window every few minutes, they’re running late and it will be for a perfectly reasonable reason but I’m worried that something bad has happened. Hubster will be home soon too, I’m going to go for a rest when he’s back. I won’t sleep, just lay down and read my kindle or something, try and relax. I always feel guilty when I go to lay down because I feel like I should be downstairs with him ‘doing my bit’… I know that I need to take time for myself really. It would be harder for everyone if I had another breakdown. They’ll be fine though. I will rest.

I’m laying on the bed now, I don’t know what to read. I don’t want to read another thriller, even though they’re my preference, I’m scared of being triggered by something or getting caught up in my feelings and then panic. I thought about going to sleep but I’m scared I’ll stop breathing. I’ll probably try and do another meditation, or listen to someone on YouTube. Have a break from screens for a bit.

It’s evening now, the children are in bed. Husband has gone to the cinema to watch the new Avengers movie. I’m glad that he’s out and having a good time, but it’s such a long movie and it didn’t start until 8pm so I’m just trying to hang in here until he gets home, he thinks it will be about midnight. I put a documentary on the TV about castles but I can’t focus on it, so I’ve turned it off. I might order some pasta to be delivered, I’m not sure. I probably shouldn’t, but that rarely stops me.

I’m just on a panic chat room right now, not talking about my issues or anything but just joining in the conversation in main chat so that I don’t feel so alone. I don’t know what to do with myself.

Only an hour and a half until husband is home now. I’m doing relatively okay. I’ve eaten some tomato pasta from DaVinci’s (O.M.GGGG so good), I’ve put the TV back on just for some background noise so that I’m not listening out for noises etc. I’m kinda regretting not calling the doctors for Diazepam today. Sometimes I don’t even need to take it but knowing it’s there is enough to help me bring myself down. I’ll probably call tomorrow.

I’ve come upstairs now with the dog and shut the curtains but I’ve left the window open. I’m going to sit on my laptop to pass the time until he’s home, I won’t be able to sleep until he’s back. I’ve got Pride and Prejudice playing in the background, I know it word for work and it’s a big comfort to me really. Maybe I’ll re-read the book next too. Today has been better than yesterday, maybe tomorrow will be even better and this little episode will be over soon.

~ E x