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Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal, Stigma

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AND ME – DSM-V CRITERIA Pt. 2

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2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

For me this issue ties into my last post about abandonment. You can find this here.

If I idealised or devalued anybody it would be in relation to how they felt about me and if I thought that they would stay, or if they would leave me. As I mentioned in the last post, I would fear abandonment over very minor things. If someone that I was close to did anything to trigger that fear in me then my brain automatically labelled them an ‘abandoner’; they were mean, they didn’t care about me. If the very same person was to get back in touch and say something nice then they were amazing, they would never leave me, they could never do anything wrong. It was exhausting really and back then I never had any real insight into how I was thinking or why I was thinking in that way.

Those that are familiar with BPD terminology will have heard about the ‘favourite person’ phenomena. A favourite person (or FP) is someone that you believe can do no wrong, they are your everything and you place all of your worth on their opinions. A FP can quickly change and become demonised by something minor, but more often than not with me I just became obsessed with keeping them, keeping their good opinion and pleasing them. I would message my favourite person all the time (there have been many), buy them gifts that I couldn’t afford and want to see them all the time.

I still struggle with traits of this now. Sometimes I find that I’m still skipping the grey areas with people or situations. I just see the good and the bad, the true of the false. It’s something that I’m working on though and I wouldn’t say it’s detrimental to my health any more. I do have healthier relationships now, but there have been so many that were just toxic.

I’ve had bad relationships with my family, particularly my parents. I have had various toxic relationships or emotional/sexual encounters. I can see now that I turned people into my FP or demonised people so much that it distorted my perception on what was really happening. Every relationship I was in ended in a train wreck. I hurt myself and countless other people whilst I was living this way.

This black and white thinking in BPD is known as splitting (I.E all good or bad, splitting everything into two categories). I still do split on people if my emotions are high and I’m so wound up that I can’t think straight. An example of this would be if my husband and I had a small argument, I would forget about every nice thing that he had ever done and just all of the bad. He goes from being my awesome normal husband, to the worst husband of all time. This isn’t too much of an issue for me now though, I can now see that I’m splitting when I’m doing it and most of the time I manage to reassure myself that it will pass, once I’ve calmed down and removed myself from the situation.

I do split on situations still though now, EG. we’re very poor/we’re very rich, I’m doing well/I’m doing terribly. Especially if I’ve had a disagreement with someone. It takes some work and some self-care to get a hold of myself.

I’m fortunate to be in a stable place in my life right now. I have my struggles but I can largely gain perspective on my issues in a calm and safe space and can work on them accordingly. For a person with BPD who has had no help and who struggles to find perspective in their behaviour and emotions, the world and everything in it is a very confusing and scary place.

Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal

A week in the life of BPD – Friday

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Friday 3rd May

I woke up twice last night, not sure of the times as I managed to get straight back off to sleep. It was still dark though, so I knew it wasn’t time to get up. I slept in because my husband isn’t working and he left me to sleep, it wasn’t too late when I woke – about 8:30 I think. I find the later I get up the worse my mood is, unless I do a little exercise or something to get my blood going.

I feel bad this morning. Very bad. It has taken me 40 minutes to find the energy and will to get up. I feel dissociated and my mind feels sluggish but anxious at the same time. I forced myself to get out of bed, I made myself wash my face and brush my teeth and put a fresh bun in. I then came back to the bedroom to get dressed but I’ve been sat on the bed for the last 30 minutes or so. I have that awful feeling in my tummy and I feel tense. I really just want to crawl back into bed today. I don’t have the mental energy to deal with having a mental illness today. I’d really love to have a good, happy day. It feels unfair that to get justice and closure I have to trigger myself to this extent, but I know that it will be good in the long run. I keep reminding myself of that.

My Husbster has been stressing this morning because my son’s swimming shorts have vanished. When I feel like this any kind of negativity makes me feel so much worse and more anxious. I know it’s not his fault. We spoke about it and I tried to explain how it makes me feel when I’m not well. I’ve got a doctors appointment this morning, I forgot that I’d booked it to be honest. I booked it as soon as I woke up. Hopefully they’ll be able to help me with how I’m feeling right now.

We’ve come to visit our friends this morning. I didn’t like the idea of leaving the house to be honest but I know that we’ll enjoy their company and it will do me good in the long run. It’s been nice as ever, we have drunk coffee, lounged about (no children) and just chatted. We’ll leave here and go straight to the doctors.

I’ve been to the doctors and I actually feel quite hopeful. She was lovely and really took the time to talk to me, check in and see how I’m feeling. We’re going to switch antidepressants from Fluoxetine 20mg to Sertraline 50mg. I know the first two weeks can be hellish but Fluox obviously isn’t working for me like it used to. I think that maybe I’ll do a post that talks about the timeline of my side effects. It could bring comfort to anyone else that’s making a switch or starting an SSRI. It’s hard not knowing what to expect and having to put your life on hold for a fortnight. My doctor said that because these drugs are so similar there’s no real reason to do a long wean. Therefore today is my last day of Fluoxetine and I’ll start taking Sertraline on Tuesday. She also gave me 10x Diazepam 5mg tablets to use if i need them, I’ll only use them in emergencies.

The doctor was happy that i had therapy etc and said she’ll call me on a Thursday sometime, I can’t remember what date. I gave her my work number incase I’m working. I’m starting on the lowest dose so hopefully the changeover won’t be too bad. Maybe it won’t be like starting a brand new drug for the first time. Although does it mean I’ll withdraw on one and have side effects from the other? Or that there won’t really be withdrawal or start up symptoms? It sounds as though it’ll either be really easy or really bad. We shall see.

I’m working tonight but I feel okay about it because I’m on with my best friend. I’m only really on call too so I should have an easy-ish night. I’m going to leave my ‘week in the life of’ here, so this will be the final entry on this little project.

I’m at work and me and my friend are talking to a ‘panic buddy’ of ours, about our visions for On Mental Health and what we would like to do with it. We’re doing some research and we’re putting a forum together. I’m not going to bother purchasing a domain yet in case it doesn’t take off. I believe with enough hard work then we will get going and hopefully we will have a real chance to make a difference to peoples’ lives. I have plenty of life experience with mental illness, but when I study for my Psychology degree I’ll be able to bring another understanding to the team. It’s really nice to have something to look forward to.

And that’s all she wrote. I hope that this little insight into what it’s like to live with borderline personality disorder was useful. I know that everyone is different, and deals with their illnesses differently.

I hope that anyone out there, if you’re feeling anxious, paranoid, depressed, irrational, impulsive, anything; if you’re struggling you are not alone. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, you are brave and strong and so much more than your mental illness.

Emma. X

Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal

A day in the life of BPD – Thursday

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Thursday 2nd May 2019

It was hard to get out of bed again today. I woke at 3, 5 and then finally at 7:30. I forgot to bring my lunch to work with me so I’ll have to wait until I get home to eat. I remembered to take my prozac today though. That’s two days in a row I have remembered it, not sure how many days I forgot it for before but it was at least 3.

I’m finding it hard to get on with work today. I got triggered over a nice message from a family member relating to a fallout I had with another family member. It wasn’t even a bad message but I can’t deal with any high emotions right now, they send me into a spiral. I’m working on boundaries at the minute in therapy. With what happened to me growing up, I thought everything was my fault. I still do it really. If I go for a nap and my husband gets stressed with the kids then I feel like it’s my fault. If the kids fall over and get hurt, it’s my fault, I should have warned them to walk slower or look where they were going. If someone is angry or upset for any reason, it’s my fault. I even once believed I was responsible for someone dying somehow because we had a fall out a few days before. So now I’m working on being able to say “You know what, this isn’t okay”. I don’t want to feel guilty for getting upset any more.

I’ve tried to push through the crazy this morning and get on with things. I called the doctors from work to request an appointment to talk about my anxiety etc, but the receptionist said she would put my request for Diazepam through as an urgent prescription and I should have it by 5pm. I’m just trying to focus on a few hours at a time. I feel dissociated and have a knot in my stomach, I want to go home but we need the money. I can finish at 1pm today though so I will have time to relax before school pick up.

I’ve tried to work a bit on the FB page et. during my break to keep my mind busy. I made another weak coffee. As soon as I came off the laptop and back to the real world, the stress hit me and that awful feeling is back. Looking forwards to finishing work in 2 hours.

I managed to get through work. As soon as I stop being busy I am in pain and have that knotty, sinking feeling. I went to the shop after work to get some lunch. I wouldn’t dare order my own sandwich even though I know the ladies that work on the deli counter, my husband ordered it for me. I’m sat on the sofa now and I feel like I never want to move, or I want to just suddenly stop existing. My hands and feet are numb and I’m intermittently dizzy. The chemist still don’t have the diazepam but the doctors said before 5 so I’m trying to hang in until then. I don’t feel like I can do the school run. I just want to crawl into bed. Lots of bad memories today and worried I’ll bump into my ex stepdad in Honley, I know it’s irrational but it’s not impossible.

I got the Diazepam at 5. I had managed to go to the shop after the school run and collect my youngest from day care, so when it came 5 I couldn’t manage to get outside and my husband went for me and dropped them off. Thankfully he only works 5 mins away.

Diazepam were only 2mg not 5mg so I took 2 and went to my friends to wait for my husband to finish work at 7. When he had finished, we went home and I put girls to bed and then played Phoenix Wright on the Xbox one with my eldest baby for a bit. Chris an I had a takeaway and watched first dates on All4. We had a laugh actually, I felt quite content this evening. We came up to bed and hugged for ages. It felt really nice. Husbando is snoring his little beard off right now but I’m ending the day on a happy note today. Thursday survived.

Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal

A week in the life of BPD – Wednesday

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Wednesday 1st May 2019

I had bad dreams on and off last night. Random ones that just had sprinklings of scary things in them, but enough to wake me a few times. For that reason I found it really hard to get out of bed this morning. I kept snoozing and snoozing.. and snoozing my alarm until we were pressed for time. I gave the children a brioche to eat cold, barked at them to get dressed and their shoes on etc before re-doing my 3 day old scruffy bun. I distributed 2 of my 3 children to wherever they needed to go and then took my friends son to daycare for her. We’re going to spend the morning here at her house now, drinking coffee and relaxing. I feel pretty alright in mood at the moment and I’m not anxious over anything. 🙂 I think it’s actually better that I do the school run half asleep because my mind isn’t quick enough to worry.

This morning we helped my friend sort her laundry and folded everything into piles. It was a really nice feeling that I was able to be productive, without any of the pressure that being productive brings at home. I guess a part of the pressure of home life is due to me making myself feel guilty for not being on par with the impossible standards that I hold myself to and perpetually fail to meet.

After we had collected her son from daycare, my friend, her husband and I went for a McDonald’s lunch. I started getting anxious and irrational when we were eating although I can’t remember what over now. Whatever it was, it was enough to make me call the doctors to request some Diazepam. I have been trying to hold off as I was hoping this blip would pass unaided, I feel like I definitely need something to help me cope right now.

My youngest enjoyed being at my friends house, though she’s tired out and has been wanting to sleep. She’ll be extra tired soon as we’re at gymnastics! She is, not me. I’m camping in the waiting room, surrounded by other mum’s that seem to have their shit together. I feel utterly inferior here and daren’t talk to anybody. The positive thing is that I can manage to bring her and wait for her without a fuss that’s obvious to others, I wouldn’t have been able to do that a few years ago.

I’m going to read a comedy romance on my Kindle to pass the time. I’m still too nervy to read a thriller. Only 20 minutes until we can leave!

I’m at home now, I have that awful painful sinking feeling in the pit of my belly. I’ve been doing nonogram puzzles on my phone to try and distract myself from random intrusive thoughts. I definitely feel better than I did yesterday though, maybe this episode is passing after all.

I’ve just back home now. I’ve been to visit my brother at his flat. After the children came home from school he called to say that he’d been in bed with a tummy bug since yesterday and was unable to eat anything. I went to the chemist to get him some medication. I did okay actually. I spoke to the pharmacist regarding which medication would be best to get him to ensure I didn’t get any that would react with his epilepsy tablets. I went to visit him and he looked so ill that it broke my heart. He would sit up and say a few words before lying down again bless him. I gave him a bottle of water, mixed some Dioralyte up for him and left a packet of Buscopan on his bedside table.

My brother has a gorgeous but crazy cat called Loki. He hates pretty much every person alive, aside from my brother. When I walk into the flat he fluffs right up and does this weird run-gallop thing away from me so that he can hide. Isn’t it funny that animals have ways of physically showing us that they’re scared? Saying that I’m quite thankful it’s easy to hide for us humans.

I’m now laid on the bed with my eldest, watching funny videos on YouTube and waiting for the hubster to rustle us up some pasta.

Teatime was stressful! The littlest of my offspring fell asleep before it was ready and so I ate with her attached to me, her sobbing into my neck. I ate my food with one hand and rubbed her back with the other, trying to encourage her to eat her own food.

After we had eaten, I went straight to bed to grab some sleep before work. My best sleep always comes in nap form. I of course snoozed my alarm when it went off and then jumped out of bed with only 10 minutes spare before I had to leave the house. I packed my bag, grabbed some food and then left.

Tomorrow is Thursday and Thursday is my least favourite day of the week. 8/10 Thursdays are a bad day for me. I work until 2 and my husband works until 7, although he takes the boy child to his drum lesson 8-9 so I don’t really get to see him until Friday morning. It’s so hard trying to be a good momma and keep the house tidy without him here and when my head is full of crazy things. My crazy is always worse when he’s not with me, he’s my safe person. Sometimes when I can’t sleep all he has to do is put his hand on my back and it calms me down and I drift off.

Work has been pretty okay. I’ve managed. I’m going to try and sleep now. I have to read myself to sleep on my phone when I’m at work. I’m just keeping my sights focused on Friday. Friday will be a nice day because my husband is off work and we have absolutely nothing planned. Glorious.

~ E x

Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal

A week in the life of BPD – Tuesday

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Tuesday 30th April 2019

I’m feeling very overwhelmed this morning. I got out of bed and felt okay, not too low, not too groggy. I got the children dressed and fed, then took them to school. We were running late, this seems to happen a lot! I don’t know why we were running late either. I just looked at the clock and realised it was time to go and nobody had their shoes etc on. Anyway, they got to school, that’s the main thing. My father in law actually collected my youngest at 8:30 so I’m now child-free!! I’m going to go to the shop to see the husband and grab a coffee.

I’m just stood outside of my therapists place. I’m dissociating, I can feel it, like a big episode is going to come. I was stroking a gorgeous big grey cat and I was worried that if I did something wrong to it, like stroked it in the wrong place or something it would run into the road and get run over. I’m getting intrusive thoughts that are ridiculous. Is my therapist dead in there? Is she going to kill me? I always have a coffee.. Will she put something in it? Does she even like me? Ugh.

I’ve been to therapy and was pretty out of it for most of the session. I couldn’t even really say what we spoke about, I’ve already forgotten. The specifics anyway. We did do a short meditation, a ‘pause’ so that I can check in with my body and relax, learn how to recognise how I’m feeling. My therapist said that she would email me an audio recording later so that I can practice this at home.

My head does feel clearer now that I’m outside, probably the meditation. I need to work on being kinder to myself, not beating myself up and not aiming for perfection. I want to do everything perfectly: parenting, marriage, housework, work, exercise and diet, everything. I set myself up to fall because I can never meet my impossible expectations. I guess I do well really, considering everything that is going on. I think anyone would find it hard trying to deal with trauma, work and raise three children. It’s not like I have my parents hanging around to help with anything either. My in laws are amazing though.

I’m going to try and remember that thoughts aren’t real. They are just thoughts. I’m going to try incorporate a pause meditation into my day and put less pressure on myself for habit changes.

I’m at my friends house now, I went to the shop and grabbed myself a sandwich for lunch. I’m still anxious but feel like a weight has been lifted in a way. She’s one of those friends that I’ve just known for so long that I don’t need to try and act normal or pretend that I’m okay with, she doesn’t ask too many questions but will listen if I need to talk. It’s just nice and relaxed and easy. My mother in law is keeping the little one until 1pm so I have some time to try unwind.

I’ve come home now, my little one should be coming home soon. I’m just watching a Netflix series called ‘The Let Down’, it’s really quite good actually, it’s about a new mum – very relatable! I’m looking out of the window every few minutes, they’re running late and it will be for a perfectly reasonable reason but I’m worried that something bad has happened. Hubster will be home soon too, I’m going to go for a rest when he’s back. I won’t sleep, just lay down and read my kindle or something, try and relax. I always feel guilty when I go to lay down because I feel like I should be downstairs with him ‘doing my bit’… I know that I need to take time for myself really. It would be harder for everyone if I had another breakdown. They’ll be fine though. I will rest.

I’m laying on the bed now, I don’t know what to read. I don’t want to read another thriller, even though they’re my preference, I’m scared of being triggered by something or getting caught up in my feelings and then panic. I thought about going to sleep but I’m scared I’ll stop breathing. I’ll probably try and do another meditation, or listen to someone on YouTube. Have a break from screens for a bit.

It’s evening now, the children are in bed. Husband has gone to the cinema to watch the new Avengers movie. I’m glad that he’s out and having a good time, but it’s such a long movie and it didn’t start until 8pm so I’m just trying to hang in here until he gets home, he thinks it will be about midnight. I put a documentary on the TV about castles but I can’t focus on it, so I’ve turned it off. I might order some pasta to be delivered, I’m not sure. I probably shouldn’t, but that rarely stops me.

I’m just on a panic chat room right now, not talking about my issues or anything but just joining in the conversation in main chat so that I don’t feel so alone. I don’t know what to do with myself.

Only an hour and a half until husband is home now. I’m doing relatively okay. I’ve eaten some tomato pasta from DaVinci’s (O.M.GGGG so good), I’ve put the TV back on just for some background noise so that I’m not listening out for noises etc. I’m kinda regretting not calling the doctors for Diazepam today. Sometimes I don’t even need to take it but knowing it’s there is enough to help me bring myself down. I’ll probably call tomorrow.

I’ve come upstairs now with the dog and shut the curtains but I’ve left the window open. I’m going to sit on my laptop to pass the time until he’s home, I won’t be able to sleep until he’s back. I’ve got Pride and Prejudice playing in the background, I know it word for work and it’s a big comfort to me really. Maybe I’ll re-read the book next too. Today has been better than yesterday, maybe tomorrow will be even better and this little episode will be over soon.

~ E x

Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal

A week in the life of BPD – Monday

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My mind was spinning with ideas for potential first blog posts, but the one that I was most keen on (and most nervous about!) was documenting ‘a week in the life of BPD’. This post was inspired by my favourite YouTuber Sammy Marie Grimm, who is also a trauma survivor with BPD. The link to Sammy’s ‘week in the life of’ video is here, although I’d recommend any of Sammy’s videos to anyone that is interested in learning about the condition.

Sammy speaks very candidly about her struggles with the disorder and I found the aforementioned video especially comforting to watch. I can heavily relate to a lot of things she talks about, but her experience is also markedly different to mine. In talking about how I deal with my mental illness in the day to day, if I could reach one other person and have them know that they are not alone, that I feel it too, then I will be satisfied.

My initial plan was to document my week in one blog post (which is why I’m posting Monday on Friday), but I wrote more than I expected and so each day will sit better as its own entity. The text that is in italic font has been added for clarification purposes.

Monday 29th April 2019

I woke up feeling pretty okay this morning, which I wasn’t expecting as I’d had a bad night last night. I felt as though I needed a mental rest for most of the day yesterday, although running around after 3 maniac children doesn’t leave much time for rest. In the evening I went to the emergency vet with my friend and her puppy (all was okay, thank goodness.) I had an awful headache when I got home.

My husband was ironing shirts in the kitchen and as I couldn’t get to the medicine cupboard, I asked him to pass me the paracetamol. He told me that there were some upstairs so I went up and couldn’t find them and so got into bed. When hubster came up I asked where the pills were and he said that they were behind the TV and passed me two. I thought that he was trying to poison me. Why would he not give me paracetomol in the kitchen? Why were they behind the TV? Why did he give me two pills out of the blister? What had he put on/in them? Were they even paracetomol? At the time I had enough of my wits about me to recognise how illogical my thoughts were and I took the pills and went to sleep. (It’s unusual for me to be this paranoid. In times of high stress, those with BPD can experience paranoia, dissociation and in severe cases, psychosis.)

I managed really well this morning with timekeeping and organising the children. I had everyone ready with time to spare and so I had time to do my make-up before work. It always makes me feel better if people at least think that I have my shit together.

We had a nice start to the day, we listened to music and sang after breakfast and took a steady walk to school and then nursery. After I’d deposited the right children in the right places I went to see my husband, C, at work. I bought a salad and coffee. I’m trying to lose weight, I’m so overweight and feel miserable over it, but comfort eating seems to be my go-to coping technique; something that I developed in childhood.

I arrived at work just past 9am. I drank coffee and caught up with the girls. I happy cried at my favourite colleague (finally) getting engaged and relaying the proposal story to me, before getting on with the day’s admin tasks.

I started ironing after admin and listened to Sammy Marie on YouTube whilst doing so. The iron went crazy at me, steaming and spitting. It needed cleaning I figured out afterwards, but at the time it triggered massive panic in me. I’ve come to camp in the toilet with my phone whilst I wait for the iron to cool. I feel as though I have a huge hole in my stomach, the awful sinking feeling that I get when something truly bad has happened. I really wish I could be at home and in my bed today, but we need the money.

I keep having random bouts of health anxiety today, I really wish I could be at home. I randomly became frightened that vaping would lead to me stopping breathing somehow, maybe my trachea would just start to close? IDK. I’m resolved on making a doctors appointment to request Diazepam after I leave. I know I’m being irrational.

Today has been a very bad day. I got through work though not without struggle, I wanted to go home for most of my shift. I stayed behind an extra 30 minutes, drinking coffee and chatting [I NEED to quit with the caffeine], trying to gather myself before I drove. When I got home I went straight to daycare to collect my youngest. It is a 2 minute walk away from my house but I felt really vulnerable and scared and I had to call my husband (who was walking the dog at the time) so that he could talk to me whilst I walked. I was scared something bad would happen to me.

When home I settled on the sofa and got under the blanket. I was mentally exhausted from the day and even when kids were coming in and out (the children had 2 friends over for tea, meaning 5 kids there in total) I was half asleep and only vaguely aware of what was happening. When nodding off I felt like I knew the advert on TV was for me and it was everything I was scared of. Very odd.

I slept for an hour and woke up when my husband had made tea (LOVE HIM!). My friend text re: the police and I started searching for ‘B’ (A member of a grooming gang I became entangled with and have recently reported to the police), which triggered me massively. My husband had to go back to work and I spent a while in and out of dissociation but managed to take the kids back to my friends, where we stayed for an hour. I was very dissociated the whole time and found it very hard to keep up with conversation. Whilst there I filled in an NHS online form re: my current episode and it said that I needed a call back. I booked one for two hours later.

The kids played for a while and at some stage I went home. I put my girls straight to bed and sat on the bed and meditated to try and get a hold on myself. I fell asleep and when I woke up I realised that C had nearly finished work again. I then meditated until he came home.

As soon as C came in from work he came upstairs to me I told him we were ordering pizza and playing overcooked on the Xbox one. I’m not usually so direct or insistent but I just wanted to stuff my face and try and relax to forget about things [What diet?].. It worked well for about two hours, as soon as I came away from the Xbox the anxiety returned, but it was nice to have that break from the sinking feeling in my stomach. The NHS rang (about five hours after me filling the form in) and I didn’t feel as though I could talk to them at that time.

My therapist is an angel and has got me in for tomorrow morning. My mother in law is collecting my youngest at 9 so that I can go. I’m also going to call the doctors for some Diazepam. Whilst I’m this bad I just need to take things half a day at a time.

Please excuse the mishmash of tenses, I am by no means a professional blogger. I hope that this reads well and can give someone an insight into how the BPD mind deals with stress. Tuesdays entry will be posted at a later time.

~E x