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Borderline Personality Disorder

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AND ME – DSM-V CRITERIA PT. 3

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3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self.

This is a symptom that I’m constantly struggling with. Every day really. Look back, I’ve struggled with this long before my diagnosis but I never knew what an identity disturbance was.

I’ll personalise a definition that was given in this article by verywellmind.com; this is by far the best definition of identity that I’ve read.

Understanding Identity

Most experts view identity as your overarching sense and view of yourself. A stable sense of identity means being able to see yourself as the same person in the past, present, and future. In addition, a stable sense of self requires the ability to view yourself in one way despite the fact that sometimes you may behave in contradictory ways.

Identity is quite broad and includes many aspects of the self. Your sense of self or identity is probably made up of your beliefs, attitudes, abilities, history, ways of behaving, personality, temperament, knowledge, opinions, and roles. Identity can be thought of as your self-definition; it’s the glue that holds together all of these diverse aspects of yourself.

I’ll break that down.

I don’t have an overarching sense or view of myself. Some hours I think that I’m a good person, sometimes I think I deserve every little stress that comes my way, sometimes I think I’m naturally maternal, sometimes I think I’m not suited to parenting, sometimes I think I’m smart, sometimes I think I’m too old to be smart any more. The changes in my perception of self come around by such minor changes that it’s ridiculous really! If I have a good day and my kids are well behaved etc, I’m maternal. If later on I have a hard time with them acting out, I wasn’t made for children. I guess the normal and stable thought process would be “No I’m not a perfect mother, my children aren’t perfect, but we do pretty good”. I really struggle to find the balance in those thoughts and even though that logically we do okay and we’re a good little unit, my feelings don’t always run to the same beat of my brain. My perception of who I am, who I want to be changes all of the time. It’s exhausting really, but better than it was when I wasn’t in therapy. The cycles become more frequent when I’m poorly or triggered by something.

All of the aspects of personality as mentioned in the quote change so frequently too. I’m never really sure what I believe in. Am I Christian? Am I spiritual? Am I Buddhist? Am I agnostic? Athiest? Etc etc. I genuinely don’t know! Just because I’m something one day doesn’t mean I’ll be it the next. I’ve been bisexual, lesbian, straight. I’ve wanted to be a nurse, a carer, a psychologist, a scientist, a foster carer, an administrator, an accountant. Hobbies don’t tend to stick around for very long. In the last few years I’ve tried learning languages (Spanish and French), the piano, how to write creatively, how to paint. I’ve enjoyed gaming, reading books, walking, photography, watching Netflix, crafts, crochet, colouring, cooking, baking. None seem to last very long really aside form reading.

I think that I have a few tendencies that stick. I don’t give up fighting. It may not always look like it if I’m in the grips of depression or if I’m dissociating a lot, but I try hard every single day to keep on going and to keep improving myself in one way or another.

If I feel as though something is ‘right’ then I’ll pursue it or defend it. If someone I love is hurt then I am too, regardless of the cause.

I always feel far too much guilt for things that are out of control, things that I’ve done wrong or things that I’ve done right.

Who knows who I am? I barely do. This shit is exhausting but I guess I won’t get bored and hopefully neither will my friends or family!

E,

Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder and me – DSM-V criteria

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The DSM-5, the newest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association, is accepted and used world-wide for it’s classification of mental illness.

What I find interesting about the criteria for borderline personality disorder is that there are 9 criteria in total, but only 5 need to be met to warrant the diagnosis. I find this interesting because the stigma attached to BPD can be so awful and yet there are numerous combinations in which the criteria can be met. Two people could have the same diagnosis but only have one symptom in common; and with each criteria affecting everyone differently, it doesn’t take a mastermind to see that it doesn’t make sense to tar everyone with the same brush.

In this mini-series I’ll be discussing how each of the diagnostic criteria affects me personally. It would be great if any fellow BPD’ers would like to jump on and explain how they relate to the criteria and the condition in general.

Criteria #1 – Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

I’m not entirely sure that right now I make such big efforts when I’m triggered by my abandonment issues. I know that I definitely used to be. Growing up I had a very important person miss the most important part of childhood and so I mostly attribute it to that. When I was diagnosed this is one of those symptoms that clicked and helped me to understand myself better.

I don’t like abandonment, but I accept that people coming going are just a part of life and I know that naturally people move away, forget to message or get new friends. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care, it just means that they’re living their life, as we should all do. Some time ago I could have considered every little thing as abandonment; even sometime as small as a friend rearranging plans or my partner falling asleep.

I know that when my first boyfriend left me when I was 14 I was devastated and I clung to him and begged him not to go. I hung on to toxic relationships for too long because I just needed to know that they still cared and wouldn’t leave. Years ago I would feel intense hurt if a friend didn’t message back or seemed to be spending more time with other friends than with me. I’d become clingy and needy without even realising it; I was convinced that what I was feeling was perfectly normal and had zero perspective on my behaviours.

The worst that I’ve ever been abandonment-wise was when I was first with my now-husband. He was so nice and normal and I was convinced my crazy would make him leave. What did my BPD brain do to try and keep him? I pushed him away. I was so certain that he would leave that I gave him more than every reason to. When we met, I got pregnant fast, I lost my job in the same week that we found out, I had a son from a previous relationship and due to a familial relationship breakdown my younger brother came to live with us.

In my 2-bedroom, half-decorated council house there was pregnant me, my son, my brother and my partner. I had fallen out with my family and was extremely depressed. Through it all he just loved me.

I remember the first time we had an argument I had stormed off downstairs and left him to fall asleep upstairs, when I came up to bed I climbed in with my back towards him and he rolled towards me and started stroking my back. My first thought was “I don’t deserve this” and I was quietly cross with him for being nice to me when I didn’t deserve it. I’d never felt kindness like that before in a relationship. Weren’t people supposed to be spiteful and mean to each other after arguments? Weren’t they supposed to last days? He taught me how to be kind, how to forgive and how to let go of grudges. I’m definitely a better person for knowing him. I remember him once saying to me “Emma, not every argument has to end up with us breaking up” and I was like “what. why?” It sounds so funny when I read that back to myself, but I think it shows how unstable I really was!

How he had the strength to stay with me and love me despite everything, I’ll never know; but I’m so unbelievably grateful that he did. He was the first healthy relationship that I’d ever had, the first time that I’d ever really had a life that was stable. I had to work to change my behaviours, helped by his endless kindness. It’s only in the last 3 or 4 years that I’ve really come to feel secure in our relationship and learnt to fully put my trust into ‘us’. We’re in an amazing place now and even though he’s an annoying little turd I know that we’ll be married for the rest of our lives.

The reason that I’ve rambled on about the husband is because he showed me that regardless of ANYTHING, I’m worth loving. I’ve worked on my abandonment issues in therapy but the real change has been the secure bonds that I’ve developed with my husband and our children. I have a future to look forward to and I couldn’t have said that for the most of my life.