Thursday 2nd May 2019
It was hard to get out of bed again today. I woke at 3, 5 and then finally at 7:30. I forgot to bring my lunch to work with me so I’ll have to wait until I get home to eat. I remembered to take my prozac today though. That’s two days in a row I have remembered it, not sure how many days I forgot it for before but it was at least 3.
I’m finding it hard to get on with work today. I got triggered over a nice message from a family member relating to a fallout I had with another family member. It wasn’t even a bad message but I can’t deal with any high emotions right now, they send me into a spiral. I’m working on boundaries at the minute in therapy. With what happened to me growing up, I thought everything was my fault. I still do it really. If I go for a nap and my husband gets stressed with the kids then I feel like it’s my fault. If the kids fall over and get hurt, it’s my fault, I should have warned them to walk slower or look where they were going. If someone is angry or upset for any reason, it’s my fault. I even once believed I was responsible for someone dying somehow because we had a fall out a few days before. So now I’m working on being able to say “You know what, this isn’t okay”. I don’t want to feel guilty for getting upset any more.
I’ve tried to push through the crazy this morning and get on with things. I called the doctors from work to request an appointment to talk about my anxiety etc, but the receptionist said she would put my request for Diazepam through as an urgent prescription and I should have it by 5pm. I’m just trying to focus on a few hours at a time. I feel dissociated and have a knot in my stomach, I want to go home but we need the money. I can finish at 1pm today though so I will have time to relax before school pick up.
I’ve tried to work a bit on the FB page et. during my break to keep my mind busy. I made another weak coffee. As soon as I came off the laptop and back to the real world, the stress hit me and that awful feeling is back. Looking forwards to finishing work in 2 hours.
I managed to get through work. As soon as I stop being busy I am in pain and have that knotty, sinking feeling. I went to the shop after work to get some lunch. I wouldn’t dare order my own sandwich even though I know the ladies that work on the deli counter, my husband ordered it for me. I’m sat on the sofa now and I feel like I never want to move, or I want to just suddenly stop existing. My hands and feet are numb and I’m intermittently dizzy. The chemist still don’t have the diazepam but the doctors said before 5 so I’m trying to hang in until then. I don’t feel like I can do the school run. I just want to crawl into bed. Lots of bad memories today and worried I’ll bump into my ex stepdad in Honley, I know it’s irrational but it’s not impossible.
I got the Diazepam at 5. I had managed to go to the shop after the school run and collect my youngest from day care, so when it came 5 I couldn’t manage to get outside and my husband went for me and dropped them off. Thankfully he only works 5 mins away.
Diazepam were only 2mg not 5mg so I took 2 and went to my friends to wait for my husband to finish work at 7. When he had finished, we went home and I put girls to bed and then played Phoenix Wright on the Xbox one with my eldest baby for a bit. Chris an I had a takeaway and watched first dates on All4. We had a laugh actually, I felt quite content this evening. We came up to bed and hugged for ages. It felt really nice. Husbando is snoring his little beard off right now but I’m ending the day on a happy note today. Thursday survived.
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