The DSM-5, the newest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association, is accepted and used world-wide for it’s classification of mental illness.

What I find interesting about the criteria for borderline personality disorder is that there are 9 criteria in total, but only 5 need to be met to warrant the diagnosis. I find this interesting because the stigma attached to BPD can be so awful and yet there are numerous combinations in which the criteria can be met. Two people could have the same diagnosis but only have one symptom in common; and with each criteria affecting everyone differently, it doesn’t take a mastermind to see that it doesn’t make sense to tar everyone with the same brush.

In this mini-series I’ll be discussing how each of the diagnostic criteria affects me personally. It would be great if any fellow BPD’ers would like to jump on and explain how they relate to the criteria and the condition in general.

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Criteria #1 – Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

I’m not entirely sure that right now I make such big efforts when I’m triggered by my abandonment issues. I know that I definitely used to be. Growing up I had a very important person miss the most important part of childhood and so I mostly attribute it to that. When I was diagnosed this is one of those symptoms that clicked and helped me to understand myself better.

I don’t like abandonment, but I accept that people coming going are just a part of life and I know that naturally people move away, forget to message or get new friends. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care, it just means that they’re living their life, as we should all do. Some time ago I could have considered every little thing as abandonment; even sometime as small as a friend rearranging plans or my partner falling asleep.

I know that when my first boyfriend left me when I was 14 I was devastated and I clung to him and begged him not to go. I hung on to toxic relationships for too long because I just needed to know that they still cared and wouldn’t leave. Years ago I would feel intense hurt if a friend didn’t message back or seemed to be spending more time with other friends than with me. I’d become clingy and needy without even realising it; I was convinced that what I was feeling was perfectly normal and had zero perspective on my behaviours.

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The worst that I’ve ever been abandonment-wise was when I was first with my now-husband. He was so nice and normal and I was convinced my crazy would make him leave. What did my BPD brain do to try and keep him? I pushed him away. I was so certain that he would leave that I gave him more than every reason to. When we met, I got pregnant fast, I lost my job in the same week that we found out, I had a son from a previous relationship and due to a familial relationship breakdown my younger brother came to live with us.

In my 2-bedroom, half-decorated council house there was pregnant me, my son, my brother and my partner. I had fallen out with my family and was extremely depressed. Through it all he just loved me.

I remember the first time we had an argument I had stormed off downstairs and left him to fall asleep upstairs, when I came up to bed I climbed in with my back towards him and he rolled towards me and started stroking my back. My first thought was “I don’t deserve this” and I was quietly cross with him for being nice to me when I didn’t deserve it. I’d never felt kindness like that before in a relationship. Weren’t people supposed to be spiteful and mean to each other after arguments? Weren’t they supposed to last days? He taught me how to be kind, how to forgive and how to let go of grudges. I’m definitely a better person for knowing him. I remember him once saying to me “Emma, not every argument has to end up with us breaking up” and I was like “what. why?” It sounds so funny when I read that back to myself, but I think it shows how unstable I really was!

How he had the strength to stay with me and love me despite everything, I’ll never know; but I’m so unbelievably grateful that he did. He was the first healthy relationship that I’d ever had, the first time that I’d ever really had a life that was stable. I had to work to change my behaviours, helped by his endless kindness. It’s only in the last 3 or 4 years that I’ve really come to feel secure in our relationship and learnt to fully put my trust into ‘us’. We’re in an amazing place now and even though he’s an annoying little turd I know that we’ll be married for the rest of our lives.

The reason that I’ve rambled on about the husband is because he showed me that regardless of ANYTHING, I’m worth loving. I’ve worked on my abandonment issues in therapy but the real change has been the secure bonds that I’ve developed with my husband and our children. I have a future to look forward to and I couldn’t have said that for the most of my life.