Wednesday 1st May 2019
I had bad dreams on and off last night. Random ones that just had sprinklings of scary things in them, but enough to wake me a few times. For that reason I found it really hard to get out of bed this morning. I kept snoozing and snoozing.. and snoozing my alarm until we were pressed for time. I gave the children a brioche to eat cold, barked at them to get dressed and their shoes on etc before re-doing my 3 day old scruffy bun. I distributed 2 of my 3 children to wherever they needed to go and then took my friends son to daycare for her. We’re going to spend the morning here at her house now, drinking coffee and relaxing. I feel pretty alright in mood at the moment and I’m not anxious over anything. 🙂 I think it’s actually better that I do the school run half asleep because my mind isn’t quick enough to worry.
This morning we helped my friend sort her laundry and folded everything into piles. It was a really nice feeling that I was able to be productive, without any of the pressure that being productive brings at home. I guess a part of the pressure of home life is due to me making myself feel guilty for not being on par with the impossible standards that I hold myself to and perpetually fail to meet.
After we had collected her son from daycare, my friend, her husband and I went for a McDonald’s lunch. I started getting anxious and irrational when we were eating although I can’t remember what over now. Whatever it was, it was enough to make me call the doctors to request some Diazepam. I have been trying to hold off as I was hoping this blip would pass unaided, I feel like I definitely need something to help me cope right now.
My youngest enjoyed being at my friends house, though she’s tired out and has been wanting to sleep. She’ll be extra tired soon as we’re at gymnastics! She is, not me. I’m camping in the waiting room, surrounded by other mum’s that seem to have their shit together. I feel utterly inferior here and daren’t talk to anybody. The positive thing is that I can manage to bring her and wait for her without a fuss that’s obvious to others, I wouldn’t have been able to do that a few years ago.
I’m going to read a comedy romance on my Kindle to pass the time. I’m still too nervy to read a thriller. Only 20 minutes until we can leave!
I’m at home now, I have that awful painful sinking feeling in the pit of my belly. I’ve been doing nonogram puzzles on my phone to try and distract myself from random intrusive thoughts. I definitely feel better than I did yesterday though, maybe this episode is passing after all.
I’ve just back home now. I’ve been to visit my brother at his flat. After the children came home from school he called to say that he’d been in bed with a tummy bug since yesterday and was unable to eat anything. I went to the chemist to get him some medication. I did okay actually. I spoke to the pharmacist regarding which medication would be best to get him to ensure I didn’t get any that would react with his epilepsy tablets. I went to visit him and he looked so ill that it broke my heart. He would sit up and say a few words before lying down again bless him. I gave him a bottle of water, mixed some Dioralyte up for him and left a packet of Buscopan on his bedside table.
My brother has a gorgeous but crazy cat called Loki. He hates pretty much every person alive, aside from my brother. When I walk into the flat he fluffs right up and does this weird run-gallop thing away from me so that he can hide. Isn’t it funny that animals have ways of physically showing us that they’re scared? Saying that I’m quite thankful it’s easy to hide for us humans.
I’m now laid on the bed with my eldest, watching funny videos on YouTube and waiting for the hubster to rustle us up some pasta.
Teatime was stressful! The littlest of my offspring fell asleep before it was ready and so I ate with her attached to me, her sobbing into my neck. I ate my food with one hand and rubbed her back with the other, trying to encourage her to eat her own food.
After we had eaten, I went straight to bed to grab some sleep before work. My best sleep always comes in nap form. I of course snoozed my alarm when it went off and then jumped out of bed with only 10 minutes spare before I had to leave the house. I packed my bag, grabbed some food and then left.
Tomorrow is Thursday and Thursday is my least favourite day of the week. 8/10 Thursdays are a bad day for me. I work until 2 and my husband works until 7, although he takes the boy child to his drum lesson 8-9 so I don’t really get to see him until Friday morning. It’s so hard trying to be a good momma and keep the house tidy without him here and when my head is full of crazy things. My crazy is always worse when he’s not with me, he’s my safe person. Sometimes when I can’t sleep all he has to do is put his hand on my back and it calms me down and I drift off.
Work has been pretty okay. I’ve managed. I’m going to try and sleep now. I have to read myself to sleep on my phone when I’m at work. I’m just keeping my sights focused on Friday. Friday will be a nice day because my husband is off work and we have absolutely nothing planned. Glorious.
~ E x
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